One Wife Too Many

One Wife Too Many

The problem with having a bunch of wives is that should one of them decide to poison you, well, she is more likely to get away with it for a lot longer than one would ideally like. And if you happen to be the President of the now second largest economy on the African continent, and you are on an International State trip to say the United Stated of America when you find out, let’s just say it can get a little awkward.

Most couples fight from time to time, even when they travel. And even when they are the President of a medium sized country. But most people don’t have 4 current wives (plus one divorced and one deceased), one of which, it would seem, would like to see him properly dead. Resolve that minor dispute on your way to a State dinner at the White House! Its not like arguing why “someone” left the toilet seat up again (“like we haven’t discussed this a thousand times!”), this is a marital dispute on a whole different level. This is marital conflict on a Pistorius level!

It is no surprise then that the South African newspapers are all abuzz this morning when it was revealed that President Jacob Zuma’s second (current) wife, Nompumelelo Ntuli-Zuma is being accused of trying to poison him and that she has been removed from Nkandla and is now living in exile with her three children in Natal. It would seem that she did not even receive her Christmas allowance, which according to some, was proof enough. The couple has had issues and marital infidelity on her side has been alleged. (I am not certain exactly how it could work the other way around when he has four wives and is contemplating the fifth?)

The attempted poisonings, which might have occurred last year around June, seems also able to conveniently explain a multitude of strange occurrences – like the President’s comfortable on-going dialogue with his late mum, as well as his gaunt and sickly demeanor and forgetfulness. Both the USA and the Russians confirmed the poisoning, and we all know that if they agree on anything, it must be indisputable, like gravity and global warming. Like gravity.

Truth is I am somewhat relieved by the finding as this does explain why he is so much thinner than he has been in prior years. It is not at all due to ill health; it is simply that the bloke is petrified to put anything in his mouth. And who wouldn’t be? With four wives to keep an eye on (one of whom wants him dead) with 20 children of his own, with the DA going viral with their SA is a “Broken country led by a Broken man” speech, with Julius nipping at his heels, with the whole country lambasting him every time he laughs, it’s hardly a wonder he has no appetite. Who would?

It is not worth noting, because nothing he states is, that Mac Maharaj, Spokesman for the President stated that there is no change in status, and Ntuli-Zuma remains the wife of the President.

So there we have it. Most of us can hardly cope with one wife. And most our wives can hardly deal with one of us. But thankfully, the vast majority of us continue to argue about the toilet seat, and no matter what we think of Thursday night’s experiment dinner, and no matter what it might taste like, it’s not intentionally poisonous. I think.


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