Family Functions and Death

Family Functions and Death

We had a family function last week. And although we all loved every moment of the celebration, there is nothing comparable to the euphoria that we are experiencing, now that it is all behind us.

To put it in perspective, we have 64 members of immediate family (those who still speak to each other) and around 20 optional family extras. This excludes friends who would not understand being left off the list and nor should they. So, when the last stragglers left (3 days after the function) I could hardly contain my excitement as I nudged them out the door (in case they might change their minds), bolted it firmly, and proceeded to maraud through the house in my underwear (not a site worth imagining before breakfast).

It with great sensitivity that I therefore read the news of Charles Manson’s immanent wedding. When I heard that he was getting married I was genuinely impressed. Aside from the fact that the bloke is over 80 and convicted of multiple murderers, he has attracted a 26-year-old bride who doesn’t seem to be afraid of the consequences of her burning the rice.

We are told that the happy couple is allowed 10 guests, which is such a win for them as these lists can really be the death of a function (and with Charles Manson, no one would want to risk that). In most families the consequences might be death by silence and not by butter knife but both can be painful. And this needs to be avoided, I am told, on one’s wedding day, and even more so if one is serving multiple life sentences.

I am also trying to imagine what it would be like to receive a “Save the Date” from Charles Manson, one of the more notorious serial killers of all times. How many of the ten guests would go screaming to the police or simply die of fright there and then so as to avoid having to go through an actual murder. Imagine the notification “ Charles Manson has sent you a Save the Date”. One goes deathly cold at thought. For certain it wouldn’t be nuptials that I would think about as I double the already excessive security that I have in place.

Considering that the event is to take place within the confines of a maximum-security prison, décor and catering can only be a challenge. Let alone the registry that I am sure he has opened at the local Hardware store with items like duct tape and cable ties featuring prominently. I remember when we got married the item of choice in 1991 was an F11 Corningware. On the 11th one that I opened I recall my mother in law saying wisely “you can never have enough of those.” I wonder if Charles feels the same way about metal piping.

The wonderful part about this forthcoming occasion is that I am not the one debating who should attend. I imagine Manson telling his bride-to-be that Aunty Stephanie (who “I haven’t seen since Eric’s funeral in 1971″ and what’s more “ I haven’t ever seen the inside of her house” – “yes but dear you have been in a maximum security prison” / “well it would not have hurt them to ask etc etc”) needs to be invited, or if the serviettes need to be blood red or Hell fire yellow. Thankfully I can only imagine how the dialogue must unravel.

All we need to do is watch in fascination as to how this farce plays out and enjoy every moment in the theatre of the absurd.

And we are blessed. Blessed that we had an amazing function, that our visitors came and went and that most of all, unlike Charles Manson, we get to lock them out, and not the other way around.

Related Articles

A Post 10am World

A year ago today, 3 days before Rosh Hashanah, I was followed from my office in Johannesburg and was attacked

Bring Back Ugly Babies!

I was feeling slightly nostalgic earlier today. I was remembering a time, back in May 2014, when Facebook was filled

The Whole Child Leaving Home Thing

South Africans are both blessed and cursed. We are fortunate in many ways that culturally it’s not a “right-of-passage” for

No comments

Write a comment
No Comments Yet! You can be first to comment this post!

Write a Comment

Your e-mail address will not be published.
Required fields are marked*